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Dear journal,

My day today was ok. Scott hugged me five times today how coolio is that!! Then we had had to do this retarded play and it was like really boring. I have cheer practice at 6:30 to 8:00 wich at first i dread it but im just gonna have to wait and see how it ends up being i hope i have fun and time needs to go a lil bit faster for the rest of the day because i just want it to end. I have to wake my mom up here in like 30 min. Kayla and tiffany say that chris is a dork and then i say yea wich is why i will never agian go back out with him and then they say well he is a big dork and you will to i betcha then i say fine then if he is a dork then he gets to be my dork!!! lol idk if there right or wrong because he did cheat on me befor and i went back out with him

Today my sister told me something that truly opened my eyes and made me think. I asked her how does she manage never to think about the night that her boyfriend lied about his plans and went to the movies with 2 girls while she was out with me. How does she manage not to dwell or think about the fact that her boyfriends ex of 5 years called him asking him to marry her. Her response was simple, "I chose to love him and forgive him. If I were to keep living in the past we'll never make it so I wipe the thoughts away and think about all the things he does with me and not with them."

This is the same concept I need to apply in my own life "live today and not the past" I've been trying to figure out why is it that I can't get over my bfs past? Why is it that we always must argue about the same thing "his ex"? Why do I make her such a big deal in our relationship? The answer is simple, I want to be loved purely and truly. I want to know and feel that I'm the only "perfect woman" for the man that I am with. I want to feel as though his past relationships were the "illusion of love" and that this is the real love...because this is how I feel. I want to feel as if I'm uncomparable to any of them because in his heart they'll never measure up to me since I know my exes can't measure up to him.

Yes, my bf has givenup his life style and turned it around to dedicate himself to this relationship. Yes, I can see all the sacrifices he has made to make sure he is by my side everday for as long as he can be. Yes, I can see that he loves me very much and that I make him very happy BUT the problem is that my bf always compared me in small ways to his exes in the beginning.

From the first time he told me he loved me..when I asked him a few days later how he knew he loved me for sure he said " I know I love you because I chose you over my ex. She called me two nights ago telling me she wants to call off her wedding and marry me. Had it been any other moment I'd be on a plane to get with her and try to work " Yes, the thought is nice but if you think this statement through he's saying " I love you because now I realized that no other girl out there can complete me the way you do and the girl I once thought I loved I realize was nothing more than an infatuation or a phase." I mean he does tell me these things but THAT was the moment to really just let it in.

Secondly, he's always mention how sexing and tempting all his exes were that all his guy friends wanted to fuck them and he always had to be on the look out to make sure they didn't cross the likne. Yes, I love my body and my looks, I don't have a low self-esteem, and i know for a fact he knows this because he's always enraged when I go workout alone...he's seen how my trainer friends and guys hit on me BUT it would feel good to hear from my bf that I'm beautiful that he finds my body sexually appealing. I want to HEAR it not just know it.

I just keep it in and now I've let it go. What matters is that he's with me and he's never given up on us. I'm just scared one day he'll say "Sorry I thought I loved you but I've fallen for someone else" or "Sorry I tried to move on from my past but I can't" and he'll leave me with a tremendously shattered heart and a life without purpose. I guess my fears have grown from many taunting thoughts he's left in my head of his past. I can't even fuck him (me on top)..he's repeated over and over about all the girls he screwed in the Marines (this was when we were friends and we spoke of our past) and he loved the way the screwed him because they all knew what they were doing. While me on the other hand, I only had sex with my ex a few times and the times I was on top can be counted with my hands PLUS that was 2 years ago I don't even remember the rythm I had started to master. With him laying there starying@ me, expecting mind blowing sex orgasm after orgasm as he gives me I just freeze and my hips fail me. There's nothing worse than wanting to please your man but having all his exes mind blowing sex stop you becuase you feel you'll never compare.

I love him and this is for the long-run. I'm just overcoming an issue I have buried in my chest, one that taunts me, onee that lingers in at times saying "does he wish he was fucking someone else" or "is he tired of him always being on top yet." Yes, this is fixable and our relationship is strong enough to overcome it all. I know with time I'll get more comfortable with him in bed and at the right moment he'll guide the way and show me how to really please him as I wish I could. Together we'll explore eachother and I'll learn how to take our connection to the next lvel and I can manage to satisfy him as he does to me. About his past...I know one day I'll bury it. I just wished her name stopped popping up everytime she's finally out of my head. I wish his family respected me more and never mentioned her name infront of me to make me feel as if I am the only real woman that matters...

Yes, he made the mistake of answer her calls, making her feel superior because late @ night he still talked to "the ex.." He disrespected me not only to her but to his mother by allowing her to speak to his mom on mothers day..which is where he should've shown her how much I mean to him by giving me my place. Yes, he's blurred their "realtionship details" several times because he doesn't want me to get hurt knowing that at one time she was the love of his lfie as I am now. Yes, they lived together and he's already eperienced with someone else what I had hoped my husband and I could experience together. Yes, he thinks she's a "beautiful procalien baby doll that should've been a model." Yes, she's been a consisten part of his life even 5 years after they've broken up...speaking once a month even though they live on opposite sides of the US. But he's with me now and whatever happened between them is over. Even if a part of him may wish it would've worked out is mind and heart has been set on a relationship with me. He's given me 100% ever sine the day we had our talk, he even changed his number for me, so I won't let that go to vain. I'm the one he's with all day, I'm the one he texts before bed, the one he eats every meal of the day with, studies with, naps with, shops with, goes to school with. I'm his life now. What matters is what he does with me, how he makes things right with me, and not what he did with her. He's given me his all, I know he loves me, and I'll make sure to never give him a reason to stop. :) We're getting married one day and he's told ALL his friends and family about it and that's what counts..specially since they are all shocked cuz he ever believed he would find the one person he'd want to get married with...he swore to be a bachelor forever...guess life changes :)

Take a walk around the block til you see everything you want life to be.

I used to think i had the answers to everything.
But now i know that life doesn't always free.

SO...don't tell me to shut my eyes....

I've got several possible causes I've contributed to my current predicament.

Possible causes:

1. This change in schedule has thrown my emotions out of whack.

2. I've been seeing entirely too much of my boyfriend lately.

3. I'm actually getting tired of my boyfriend.

4. I've hit my boy-crazy streak a little later than most.

5. I'm flabbergasted by the fact that TWO decent guys like me, and I really like being liked.

6. I haven't seen this other guy in a few days, and maybe I'm building him up to be more than he is.

7. I actually like this other guy.

Predicament:

It's probably not too hard to figure out from the preceeding text, but I'll relay to you the short version anyway. So I've had this boyfriend for about 3 1/2 months, and things are going pretty well. But apparently there's just something about me that attracts ALL straight, 17 year old theatre guys, not just my boyfriend. So this other guy is in a show with me and he's cute and he definitely likes me, and I suddenly find myself thinking about him quite a bit more than I think about my other castmates, and maybe even more than I think about my boyfriend. And I've just been kind of annoyed by my boyfriend lately, and he wants to hang out EVERY SINGLE DAY, which I probably would've been ecstatic about a few weeks ago, but now...

I think the real honest reason for my situation is that I tend to fall, to some degree, for every guy that falls for me. I just got out of my awkward phase; I'm not used to guys doing that. I think I'll wait until the show's over and see how I feel.I don't know. Theatre love triangles can be complicated. Any advice would be appreciated.